Love is unconditional, but relationships are not. Participation is voluntary, and either partner is free to leave at any moment. Divorce is a tragedy but it is also an option. When we imagine that we have no choice, we see ourselves as slaves, in bondage to forces outside our control. In reality, we all have choices, even if they are not very appealing choices. Divorce is often one of those unappealing choices. In the end, we all want a partner who really wants to be with us.
When you love someone you bring your best self to that person, you desire goodness to come to them, and you do what is necessary to help them grow. Love is about action, not feelings. Love is a capacity that we develop throughout our life. To the extent that a person is capable of love, that person loves self and others equally. The capacity to love is the greatest treasure imaginable.
We choose partners who match our level of development, and we grow in tandem. Long-term partners are almost always matched in emotional and sexual maturity. We always think we’er much more mature than the other, but it’s almost never true.
We have no power to change others, only ourselves. We focus on the faults of others because that is what we can see, but our attention is wasted because we have no power over those faults. It takes intentional effort to find and fix what lies within.
You can’t change what you can’t see. We are good at seeing our partner’s faults, and bad at seeing our own. This makes it feel like relationship problems are always caused by the other person. You may feel like you’re much more mature, kind, or loving than your cpartner, but you probably aren’t.
Perception
You will always see things differently than your partner. You will always disagree, and you will always remember the same event in different ways. Arguments over whose perception is accurate are actually quests for external validation.
Validation
Validation is the feeling of okayness: I’m good enough and it’s OK for me to be here. Most of us lack the self-respect necessary to provide our own validation, so we rely on others instead. This dependency drives all sorts of unsavory behavior.
Deception
It’s easier to deceive another than oneself, so we put a lot of energy into convincing others that we are better than we really are. It’s like putting on a mask so that others will tell us how attractive we are.
Differentiation
Differentiation is the ability to hold onto yourself and be OK when others disapprove of you.
Fear
Fear, also called anxiety, is the opposite of okayness. It’s the sense that everything is not ok. In an unhappy relationship, most of our behavior is driven by fear.
Courage
Courage is the antidote to fear. It’s doing the right thing even when we’re afraid. The answer to most marriage conundrums is more love, honesty, and courage.
Honesty
Fear drives dishonesty in relationships, and courage enables honesty and self-disclosure. Our instinct is to hide parts of ourself that might upset our partners, to wear a mask as a way to manage anxiety.
Growth
Love is the only thing that enables growth. Fear, resentment, hatred, and anger inhibit growth in ourselves and in others. Our capacity to love is also our capacity to grow and to inspire growth in others.
Focus
The only person you can change is yourself. As you grow, your partner will usually follow suit. Attempting to change your partner directly is “shortcut” that doesn’t work and annoys your partner. It’s also a distraction from doing things that are actually effective.
Conflict
Conflict is a natural and necessary part of love relationships. Healthy conflict means calm, loving conversations that are also honest. Unhealthy conflict involves strong negative emotions and cruelty.
Cruelty
Cruelty is the desire for another person to suffer, and it is a part of almost all love relationships. It’s rare to find one partner who is more cruel than the other.
I-thou relationships
Martin Buber described the difference between I-thou and I-it relationships. We tend to view others as obstacles in our path, as things that stand in the way of getting what we want. It’s especially common to view romantic partners this way. I-thou means I see you not as a thorn in my side or an ant at my picnic, but as a human being worthy of love and respect. Your desires are just as important as my desires, and your growth is as important as mine.
The third option
The third option is kindness and courage. It lies between getting angry and being a doormat. When we say “do you expect me to just do nothing” as an excuse for getting angry, we’re pretending there’s no third option.
Mind mapping
Words comprise a tiny fraction of what we actually communicate to each other. The bulk of the message is contained in feelings and energy. Most of us can guess what others are thinking or feeling at any given time. If you think you’re hiding your thoughts and feelings from your partner, you’re probably wrong.
Energy management
Energy devoted to resentment and worry is not available for actually doing helpful things.
Self-confrontation
Self-confrontation is what actually makes marriages better. When shared with each other, self-confrontation breaks the
Unilateral love
Intimacy
Mind mapping